You say violence, rape, murder. I say love, peace and happiness!



Love can offer you a place of safety



There is all this enraged talk about rape, violence and murders in South Africa right now - and rightly so. But we have known for a while that there are just too many people being murdered, too many being raped, and that crime and violence are highly prevalent. We have known this for a long time.

In an earlier post, a colleague stated that: 

"the leaders are either out of ideas how to turn things around, restore meaning to the lives of these young men and women, or they couldn't give a toss for the young black men and women".

I can agree with the possibility of the second bit, but tend to disagree with the first part. It may not be that the leaders have run out of ideas, and instead that the options that might work are the options that they regard as insignificant. The options that might work, like paying attention and changing the small, daily aspects of our lives, that might make the difference are not even given a look-in. Small things like the need for love and the meaning of happiness and what they mean to young men.

So after interviewing a few young black South African males about the importance of love and happiness in ideologies of masculinity, I found that most young men need love. They actually do. Really.

This got me thinking and reading even more about men, love and happiness. Then I had to remind myself that I am a psychologist too, not just a researcher. I am new in this business of being a psychologist, so I forget sometimes.

Psychology, as you might know, is a field that could make significant contributions to the current depressing state South Africa finds itself in, emotionally speaking. The discipline continues to underchieve, but it has such a great potential for this society. Through the discipline psychology we learn the undeniable role of emotions in our lives, and currently, for me, the importance of paying attention to the affective lives of young black men.

Of course, cognitions and behaviour are important, but even though we all would agree that we are "feeling beings", affect tends to be regarded with suspicion by business and political creatures, or otherwise relegated to the private sphere. However, through psychological studies prove again and again that emotions like love, hope, gratitude, shame, and happiness can actually change a person's perceptions and outlook on life. But let me stick to love. As one of the young men I interviewed stated:

"since I met her, she has shown me so much love, and I have become a responsible man, I do not only think of myself, but I have to think of her too. When I buy myself a chocolate, I know I have to buy for baby too..".

So please tell me you don't think love can make a difference in this world. I will wait for your response.

Of course this is not irrefutable proof about the importance of love in young men's lives. But it tells you this young man thinks love has changed him. 

Anyway, all I am saying is that our political leaders and government directors and corporate heads need to forget, for a moment at least, about the traditionalist way of doing things as being the only way that works. Don't buy more guns and bullets for the police to intimidate black young men. Take down the boom gates. Stop building prisons. Ignore that traditionalist leader's voice inside that says love if for "birds". Young men, like young women, need love. Black men, like white men, need to be cared for and to care for others. We need to teach these men that it is okay to love, to be loved. That it's not so bad to laugh, you know. That being happy is just what one needs sometimes, maybe ultimately. That it is okay to cry if you want to. Pat Conroy puts it very well for me when he says

"I thought that at birth men are allowed just as many tears as women, but because they are forbidden to shed them, they die long before women do, with their hearts exploding or their blood pressure rising or their livers eaten away by alcohol, because that lake of grief inside them has no outlet. Men die because their faces were not watered enough".  

So in my quest to understand how young men experience love and happiness I came across more than I had expected. The look of a young men who is in love and is not ashamed to say that he is, the look on his face when he talks about his loved one and how she has influenced the positive change in his life...just priceless.

I really do believe that love can make a difference. Maybe the rates of murder won't drop by tomorrow, maybe there won't be less cases of rape in the next week, but surely in the long run we will have a society filled with caring, loving, responsible men who are good fathers too and not men who will abuse their families. If men love, in the long run we won't have 12-year-olds who repeatedly rape their 3-year-old sisters. We will not have men who abuse other young men. We shall not have have young men who are frustrated by the fact that they cannot meet the standards of white men or older, wealthier black men. 

We all suffer from the effects of violent crimes in one way or the other. And currently the situation of continuous traumatisation is just causing further and widespread decay in our societies and hearts. We are causing all manner of injury to ourselves, by ignoring our emotions. Violence has become so normalised, so ordinary. Murder is normalised, rape is normalised, abuse is normalised, and all these and more are reported on our televisions and radios eachday and all because, YES, they are happening.

But so is laughter, so are acts of peace: these are happening too. What if we made love, like a normal thing. How about getting strange and weird stories on television and radio about tenderness to each other. What about each of us making it okay for the 5-year-old to see mom kissing dad, granddad embracing uncle, friends enjoying each other. What if we teach the kid to understand that it is good to love and see if there will be a change later on.

I have a good feeling things will change for the better then. Not instantly, but they will. If, that is, we try something different. Like teach love. If we let ourselves change traditions that are not getting us anywhere. Like pay close attention to positive emotions. If we  transform ourselves and this way change our societies. Like hugging a young man today. 

The power of vulnerability in researching love in positive psychology

Brene Brown's talk on "The power of vulnerability" on Ted.com (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html) got me thinking about not just about what it means to be a good researcher but a few other things besides. About being a  good qualitative researcher of love and happiness within positive psychology to be more specific. A research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, Brown has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. In her talk she speaks of how we tend to numb ourselves to our research situations, to cover up our own feelings, acting as though we are emotionally 'sorted'.

But, if not sorted by concealement, by covering up in the so many ways we usually do, is there a better way to deal with vulnerability?

Very often researchers get caught up in a struggle between our true selves  - if you believe in an authentic self - and the ideal researchers we ought to be. I found a big part of myself in the talk. I found myself asking: How do I separate feelings about my own vulnerability from my actual work? Do I embrace it? How does that affect my work? I mean how does it affect my authenticity?

If you study people in the way that we do it is quite important that you master this whole emotion thing. And it is a whole lot of thing, trust me. Ultimately, the question is, how do you encourage people to reveal themselves to you if you yourself are not authentic or are trying to come across as 'sorted'and 'together'? But is there anyone who would want to work with a researcher who looks like she is falling apart! 

In our work and outside work we spend most of our time trying to come across as though our lives are intact. This is especially true for young and upcoming researchers who want to make an impression.

Now there is something about the concept of reflexivity that says that researchers need to understand the influence their presence will have on the research outcomes rather than try to avoid or eliminate it. Rightfully so, but what if a big part of who you are and your presence influences or interacts with the research environment in a way that completely alters what you could've found? What if that is just part of the whole process? I mean we do aim to influence people and decisions in one way or the other. So what if being vulnerable is part of the research: should whatever the outcomes are then be accepted for what they are? I don't think so.  But, finding ourselves doing research on love and happiness, we can't run away from the fact that we have been dumped about five times by previous lovers. We are also subjects in our own right. And so perhaps that squeaky voice of the inevitabity of vulnerability is what wants to come out in my research. How about we let it be and not be horribly questioned about my biased interpretations, subjectivity and reflexivity, because none of us is invulnerable from life messiness. Whether it is love or divorce, happiness or depression, it is all through my own subjetive 'eyes' right? And that is the beauty of qualitative research: we can all see the same subject from different points of view and still find a way to validate it. After all, there are many truths and I'm sure out there someone can relate to whatever interpretation I get to.

Who said psychologitsts and researchers don't have problems? We do. Like everyone else we have been dumped before, we have failed before, we have lost the one job that matters most before! So like anyone else, we as psychologists or researchers do have issues, of course. 

Did you notice that the example of being dumped comes up a lot? If you are nodding your head and going, mmhh, I too have wondered if this is not a big part of me coming out. 

Oh well, perhaps I'll just go ahead and do some research on being dumped.

But, wait, I forgot I am supposed to be going the positive psychology route. And it might not be so bad to be less negative about love or happiness. Instead of breakups and being dumped (see, that word again!) I will study love more appreciatively. And perhaps along the way I will find a way to ensure that I never get dumped again (again) and so 'take care of my fear, my vulnerability'. Is that possible, to protect oneself from being left, if one is to live fully? On the other hand, where is the fun in that - a researcher without a story to tell. Would you want to read their work? Sounds boring. Or maybe I'm just confused, and research might give me clarity!

Helen Fisher on Love on Ted

Last year we conducted our first study on love. I am surprised how long it took me to fully turn to love, given that much of my work is on sexuality. In any event, in 2011 we did a small study on love: "Coloured men in love" we called it.

This year we are doing another study on the subject. We have added another positive emotion: happiness. "Love and happiness in black men's lives" is what we are calling it. 

These two projects I am conducting with Candice Rule and Mandisa Malinga respectively, our 2011 and 2012 interns.

A third project we are undertaking in collaboration with colleagues at the University of the Western Cape, Dr Lindsay Clowes and Professor Tammy Shefer. We collected data with the help of students in the Department of Women's and Gender Studies and hope to start analysing the data soon. 

This is the context why Helen Fisher's talk on Ted (http://blog.ted.com/2006/09/06/helen_fisher_on/) is of interest. Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist. Her books include "Why we love". In this wide-ranging talk, she outlines the bio-chemical foundations of love (and lust), and discusses the natural talents of women, and their new significance in the modern world. (Recorded February 2006 in Monterey, CA. Duration: 24:13).

Traditions II: Everyday Lives of African Men

Every two years Changing Traditions, a project of the Programme on Traditions and Transformation of UNISA's Institute for Social and Health Sciences (ISHS), hosts a major pitso. The aim of the pitso is to consider the state of traditions and transformation on the African continent. The event is the culmination of the theme for the year. The pitso brings together a diverse range of individuals from a range of disciplines and worlds, including but not limired to scholars, activists, musician, researchers, writers, journalists, filmmakers, actors, theatre practioners, businesspeopl and anybody else with interest to engage on traditions. If you do something that I have not mentioned and you have an interesting view on traditions you believe deserves to be heard, we would be interested to give you ears.   

If you have been following the blog you will know that traditions is defined from a variety of perspectives. We see traditions as those conscious or unarticulated pasts that shape the way we engage with each other and the world today, influencing every human endeavor from scholarly research to poetry and how we pray, from war to the way we kiss, from politics to sports rules. 

If you have be following the blog, you will know that we have talking a great deal about men and masculinity. That's because men and masculinity is the theme for 2011. And that's what we shall be talking about in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, 28-30 November: the everyday lives of African men. More specifically, we hope that men and women interested in the lives of African men, in Africa and the diaspora, will come and talk. If you are interested, please submit a proposal/abstract/summary of what you would like to talk about to us. Talks should fit in the following panels.    

• Money and Work in African Men’s Lives
• Bodies of African Men
• Men at Play
• Masculinity and the African Diaspora
• Men and Politics
• African Masculinity and Belief/Religion
• Men and Love and Marriage
• Sex and Masculinity
• Men’s Friendships
• Representing African Men
• African Men in the Family

However, we would be interested to hear suggestions for other panels. More details will follow. You can also send for more information by contacting Kharnita Mohamed at kharnita.mohamed@mrc.ac.za.

 

Loving Traditions

Many years ago on Valentine’s Day, I found a huuuuge stuffed bear with an exposed red heart on our porch.  This adorable bear, beloved symbol for lovers everywhere[i], sent me into a flurry of delighted speculation. I wondered who the perfect prince of romance could be. I swooned, I dreamed, and got lost in the romance of it all. Come on, it was romantic! Who can deny the romance of a stuffed synthetic fanged animal with an exposed heart left by a stranger at your home?  Weeell, as I would eventually learn, the prince was the queen and not a stranger and the bear was regifted to me and in reality, the bear really was much smaller than my memory demands. A schoolchild on Valentine’s Day had given the bear to my mother, his teacher and she had decided to pass his innocent token of love on to me, but repackaged to fit in with the romantic traditions of Valentine’s Day.

The 14^th of February has accumulated many traditions even though it is mostly invented. Almost everyone knows[ii] that the contemporary celebration of love has a very loose historical relationship to the events that gave birth to it.  For the single on this particular day of the year we recognize that certain objects represent a token of love from an admirer who may or may not want a romantic relationship.  In the centuries of its existence the traditions and tokens of love have changed and yet a young woman meeting a bear on the porch instantly was transported to the very heart of the tradition.  The tradition of celebrating love and romantic affection as we know it today would not have been the same for me without amongst other things, the invention of romantic love, the invention of the printing press[iii], colonialism bringing us all kinds of weird traditions and on and on and on.

Perhaps someone could tell me why stuffed bears, dogs and various animals indicate romantic interest. How it is that chubby little naked boys coming at you with an arrow should gladden the heart they are aiming for? How has this wealth of symbolism come to be associated with martyred saints? We do know Cupid/ Eros/possible Biblical cherubim got a supporting role in the mysterious Valentine’s Day.  The origins of this day are shrouded in mystery, though legends as with all good traditions, abound. Wikipedia tells us there were two, possibly three martyred St Valentines connected to the day and the celebration of one or other of these saints was established in 486 A.D. Valentine 1, 2 or 3 suffered for love, was heroic or was a cover to merge Roman paganism with Catholicism. Honestly we don’t really care about the horrifically killed saints or Catholicism’s fight for believers and the sneaky stubbornness of Roman traditions. We just want to be part of what the tradition has come to represent: love, belonging, desire, excitement.

I remember the excitement of Valentine’s Day as a young schoolgirl wondering breathlessly as the cards made their rounds to our classrooms if there would be one for me. I learnt at school and in the stores along with my schoolmates what the symbolisms of love are. Representing romance with recognisable symbols of intimacy,desire and love is taken very seriously in many parts of South Africa. Schools have programmes on the day where romantic sentimentality is celebrated and young men and women, like me are trained in the art of giving and receiving red, white and pink cards with arrow shooting cherubs and various domesticated beasts on them. Flowers, roses are super romantic. We were expected to wear the colors of love, white and red clothing and listen and perform sappy songs about longing, desire and the fulfillments of love and all those other stuff. We got excited thinking about being adults exchanging roses and candy and having the super sophisticated dinners and exchanging the perfect expensive gifts. And come on, who am I kidding? Even as adults we feel a little frisson on Valentine’s Day, even if we grumble, even if we know it’s not a real historical tradition, even if we deride the sentimentality, the tradition has a hold on us and to satisfy its demands, well you know. Candy, dinner, flowers, cards, gifts and ….
 
After all, it is a tradition you are invariably part of, if only through exposure ...

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[i] Yes, we know that this may not be true for every person on the planet. But if you felt a little jolt at the adorableness of the bear or revolted by the commodification of love or appalled by the gross sentimentality then it certainly does apply to you.

[ii] Read the footnote above!

[iii] Hallmark remains grateful and so does Mills and Boon.