For most women changing your surname when you marry is the norm. It’s traditional, it’s expected, and it’s just the way it is. But more and more women are questioning this notion and choosing to either keep their maiden names or opting for the double-barrel option.
Being married for nine years and having kept my maiden name throughout has become a non-issue for my husband and me. I haven’t given it much thought in years until a colleague recently asked me about it. This got me thinking about this issue once again, and this time with an added maturity.
I guess I never really understood the reason women changed their surnames. It is something that perplexed me even as a young girl. I remember being 9 years old and for the first time hearing that a woman changes her name after she gets married. I questioned my mother about this 'but why must the woman be the one to change' and she responded with a 'that’s just the way it is'. I knew I wasn’t going to get the answers from her and for the next two weeks this issue weighed heavy on my heart. I kept asking myself questions like, ‘why can’t men change their surname?’, and ‘who decided that this is how it should be?’ and even came up with the idea that it would be more fair if a married couple abandoned their own surnames and instead opted for a brand new one. Having found something that in my young mind made sense, I felt the issue was temporarily resolved and would be revisited one day when I get married.
When I did get married I was still a student and for academic purposes kept my maiden name.
But it was more than that. I didn’t feel that I had changed as a person to the extent that I needed a new name. Sure, being married was a new part of my identity; it is an added identity, not one that changed me in any significant way. I was still the person I was before getting married. All I had accomplished before marriage was still part of me. I didn’t want to let go of the person I spent all those years becoming – not even for a start afresh.
But it was more than that. I didn’t feel that I had changed as a person to the extent that I needed a new name. Sure, being married was a new part of my identity; it is an added identity, not one that changed me in any significant way. I was still the person I was before getting married. All I had accomplished before marriage was still part of me. I didn’t want to let go of the person I spent all those years becoming – not even for a start afresh.
Reactions to my decision are varied. My friends thought it was a brilliant idea and whilst many of them would have liked to do the same, none of them did. Their reasons include disapproval by either their husbands or families, not wanting to offend their in-laws or for the sake of their children.
My extended family just thought that it was typical of me to try to be different and until this day some still extend invites to us using my husband’s name only.
Strangers sometimes ask weird and inappropriate questions such as do I not love my husband; is his name not good enough; if I’m modern or just a feminist.
It’s sometimes difficult to have to keep assuring people that I do love my husband and have respect for his family name but what endears him to be even more is the fact that he is fully supportive of me keeping my maiden name and, by doing so, he is telling me that he accepts me for who I am.
My extended family just thought that it was typical of me to try to be different and until this day some still extend invites to us using my husband’s name only.
Strangers sometimes ask weird and inappropriate questions such as do I not love my husband; is his name not good enough; if I’m modern or just a feminist.
It’s sometimes difficult to have to keep assuring people that I do love my husband and have respect for his family name but what endears him to be even more is the fact that he is fully supportive of me keeping my maiden name and, by doing so, he is telling me that he accepts me for who I am.
Our family has since started to expand and our first son was born a year ago. We knew the day would come when we would have to revisit the surname issue. I wanted to keep my maiden name and wanted my son to have his father’s surname. But I didn’t want to be the only one in our familial unit with a different surname. So we decided upon giving our son both surnames. And this works for our family.
I’m sure my boy will have questions when he is older, but I am confident that we will be able to explain it to him in a way that he understands and give him the freedom to choose his own naming tradition when the time comes.
After all, traditions are ever-evolving.
I’m sure my boy will have questions when he is older, but I am confident that we will be able to explain it to him in a way that he understands and give him the freedom to choose his own naming tradition when the time comes.
After all, traditions are ever-evolving.
This blog was first posted on Timeslive on the 11-05-2012. To see the original article please click on the following link: http://m.timeslive.co.za/?name=timeslive&i=11270/1/0&artId=24299
