The emerging 'new' man vs the so called "bitch niggaz"



I often find that as I read through literature about masculinity, reference is made to the so called emergent 'new' man. A sensitive, feminine man who sounds like he could be every woman's favourite. Yet, so many men despise this man, consider him 'not masculine' and believe that “he won’t get laid because he is a fag”. Not only do men despise this emerging man, but they also despise the strong, bold, competitive and successful woman, who is hardworking and very likely to beat any men at any position, not that we are competing but we are brilliant like that.

Now being a strong, hardworking young woman, I am very affected by the stance that some men tend to take towards women who do not allow themselves to be bullied, abused, or oppressed. Men seem to feel intimidated by this type of woman and this is manifested in the labels they give to women who boldly oppose them such as "nompendulo" which means having an answer for everything or having too much too say.

In my personal experience I have found that being educated, strong, and doing well for myself puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to dating. I have come to realize that it actually makes me 'undatable'. So I am literally OFF the market not because I have been swept of my feet, but because young black men do not know how to handle independent sisters like me. Instead, they find me very frustrating because I know how to express myself when something makes me uncomfortable, I do not need permission to go out with my girlfriends and do ladies night all night without any man having to tell me where I need to be or what I need to do.

I know how to get around on my own, taxis are  do just fine. I do not need a man to drop me off anywhere just so he can tell me what time he will pick me up so that he can decide what time I need to be home. I am fortunate to find myself in a position where I can be empowered, liberated and situated in an environment that allows me to grow and be my own person. This liberation however has been rendered unfortunate by the brothers who make me believe they love me and yet can't stand my growth, they care for me yet they can’t let me make my own decisions nor reasonably oppose their 'righteous' opinion.

I have had to mend my heart on several occasions all because guys think I am too opinionated or I don’t allow them to be the men they want to be for me which includes deciding on my behalf and leaving me feeling like “I need him”. Women have fought for years to be in the positions that we find ourselves in today and still continue to do so. Why then do we have to be mistreated just because we are strong and independent? Why do we have to be lonely simply because men feel intimidated by us? One brother once told me that we can’t both wear the 'pants' in the relationship, and I wondered what exactly he was on about! Does him wearing the pants mean I have to cry, feel worthless and be controlled?

How does being an assertive woman make you stubborn? I wish to understand how these men conceptualize love relationships in their heads because this can’t be it. No one wants to be lonely yes, but that does not mean life does not go on without the other! Men need to realize that the more they resist women's assertion, independence and power, the more likely women are to go on a quest for even more empowerment, more action towards oppression, and strive even harder to be in positions that allow them to stand up for themselves. Yes we want to have you in our lives, but that does not mean you need to run our lives. This need for a partner is a natural reaction to our hormonal, emotional and physical needs which can easily be taken care of nowadays, it doesn't  make us weak or incapable of taking care of ourselves. 

Men’s role in women’s lives as provider, caretaker, and protector are slowly losing their significance. Women can take care of themselves and their children, and are more and more becoming financially independent. Very soon, not even sexual role that men play will make a difference.  Technological devices for sexual satisfaction are improving and women are catching on fast. Given this, what exactly will their role be? Not even to make babies because doctors have found ways to make it possible without the male as partner. I’m just saying that men need to step up their game.

Men need to know that when you have a boyfriend in your life, we think of it as having a partner not a manager, having a friend not a daddy or disciplinarian. The more you continue to treat us as helpless, the more likely we are to want to prove that we are self-sufficient, and as offensive as you may find that to your manhood, I am still my own person and you will not decide my fate for me. Because I love my independence and freedom, I have given up on the hopes of ever getting married, because I fear that my husband might just find me too 'hardmondig'. Though this might just be my reality, it would be an unfair reality because I actually believe that a partner is always good to have, but only the partner that will encourage his woman to work hard and succeed, a partner that will applaud when his woman gets a promotion, and not a partner that will tell her she is fat, has cellulite and is too ugly to be with anyone else because it is never true. Katt Williams in his Pimp Chronicles refers to a type of man he calls a “bitch nigga”. This is a man who feels the need to make women feel subordinate/inferior just so that he can feel superior or feel like a 'real' man. Real men know that they need not prove that they are men, need not assert themselves violently because their actions speak for their manhood.

I strongly believe that men have to work much harder now than ever before to be the men that will be good fathers and role models one day given that they are responsible enough to even find women who want to have their children.

Maybe someday  my prince charming will come along. Not just any, but one who will be happy being my friend and partner instead of manager or father, otherwise celibacy awaits me. It saddens me that I feel this way because I do believe that not ALL men are “bitch niggaz”, I am just not coming across my ideal.

Someone please hook a sister up with the 'emerging new man'.